Mom or Dad, Are You a Yeller? Better Bite that Tongue
Kids who are yelled at by their parents are more likely to have depression and behavior problems, a new study in Child Development. Words cut deeply whether that child is 6 or 66. We are wired, as young children to scan our parents’ faces & figure out if they like what we are wearing, if we colored good or if we can run fast. If they communicate that they like what they see, then we believe we are good. If they never pay attention then we believe we are no good. That’s how simple life is for a child. We never stop listening to our parents, because we are connected to them by a need-based love.
So when a parent screams at a child, the pain cuts deeply. Parenting experts say that kids don’t hear parents scream because they tune them out. But really they just pretend not to hear because they don’t know what to do with the hurt.
Parents yell for two reasons. First, to get their kids to listen. If children are strong-willed, defiant or have bad attention issues and never listen, parents amp up the volume to make them hear. Since they feel that nothing else gets their kids’ attention, they resort to yelling. Second, many parents yell because they can’t control their own anger. When we are tired, irritated and overwhelmed, yelling comes easily.
We parents need to get hold of our tongues. When we say things like “you’re lazy, worthless or can’t do anything” to kids, they become mean and depressed. Some of us cut our kids down in more subtle ways. We yell at them to do their chores, use a tone which communicates that we believe they’re lazy or maybe we swear at them. When it comes to being nasty, we can get mighty creative.
In the bible the book of James tells us that if we get control of the way we talk, then we gain control over our entire bodies. It compares us to horses. Put a bit in their mouths and you control the whole beast.
He goes on to say in chapter 3: 5, “Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body.”
Could it be that we can start fires in our children by saying mean things or yelling at them? Yes. Words are that strong. And if that is true, so is the converse. If we are respectful, firm and kind to our kids, we can put fires out in their hearts. Could it be that many of the problems we experience with our kids stem from the way we talk to them? Yes.
This week thrive to refuse to yell in your home- at your kids, your spouse or another loved one. Use only a respectful tone and refuse to say mean things to anyone in your family. Watch to see what happens to your kids’ moods- and to your’s as well. You’ll be surprised.
